The Cinema of the Four

Twilight

Taking down my great index volume for the letter “V,” I can find a great deal of information upon the subject of vampires. While they may have been sheer rubbish for the consulting criminal detective, like great-grandfather Sherlock, for the consulting movie detective, vampires are a very real concern. Actors like Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee have long listings in my index, for they terrified millions when the spirit of the nightstalker was upon them. Frank Langella, Chris Sarandon, Kiefer Sutherland . . . the list goes on and on, with actor after actor striking fear into the hearts of innocent maidens with a pair of fangs and a hiss.

And now, Robert Pattinson has crossed our cinema threshold, invited by millions of young maidens across this old country, as the vampire Edward Cullen. Based on the Stephanie Meyer teen bestseller of the same name, “Twilight” is the first of what is surely to be a long line of cold, yet cuddly undead.

Edward Cullen is an ancient seventeen year old with looks, wealth, and super-powers who finds himself mysteriously drawn to a rather ordinary high school girl (it’s her smell, apparently). Yes, Edward is a vampire, but he’s a daylight vampire who actually goes to high school. Instead of suddenly appearing from the fog on a moonless night, Edward walks into the high school cafeteria and, with the rest of his vampire clan, just looks gorgeous. The worst threat he seems to pose is that of stealing prom dates from the younger boys, as seniors have been doing since there have been proms.

Make no mistake -- the movie “Twilight” does full justice to its source novel, and will certainly provide much pleasure for its target audience. But one has to suspect that we now have little to fear from our movie vampires in the future. They’re going to be too busy romancing unremarkable high school girls they just like the smell of. (For the experienced Sherlockian, I need only mention two words: “Mary Russell.”)