SHTV -- Television Really Worth Viewing

You know, it's darn hard to write a column about Sherlock Holmes when you haven't touched the Canon in a month. Our excuses? First, the marvelous spring weather we've had. Second, those wondrous weeks of seeing Jeremy Brett and David Burke play Holmes and Watson on "Mysteryl" have momentarily turned our heads from the printed-page Holmes to his video incarnations. Surely, television has been responsible for some of the strangest Holmeses ever seen . Who can forget Peter Lawford as Holmes on "Fantasy Island"? Or the music video Holmes of those kids from "Fame"? There are those who will say that small-screen Holmesiana reached its zenith in the person and series of Jeremy Brett, but consider for a moment the television Holmes of the future: Richard Chamberlain.

C'mon, the man is perfect. The build is about right; the face is narrow enough. He's made a career of playing heroic figures. I think we're talking mini-series here. "The Dark Deduction," a five-part mini-series detailing the life of Sherlock Holmes. Part One: His Boyhood. A loving family of country squires. Papa Squire, Mama Squire, even Fat Older Brother Squire. Papa teaches the boy the theory of deduction, then baml Papa and Mama Squire are killed by a band of gypsy hookers (this is a mini-series, remember). Part One ends as little Sherlock tearfully turns to Mycroft and says, "Since they have eliminated Papa and Mama Holmes, all that remains is us."

Irony, get it? Sherlock learns deduction, and his parents are deducted from his life. It's the tragic theme of the whole mini-series: Holmes, the master of deduction, unable to ever master that one dark deduction: death. Chamberlain would be great in this. Part Two: College Days. Holmes falls for Victor Trevor's sister, when she bites the dust. Sure, the idea's not new to Sherlockians, but we're talking television here! This has potential! Part Three: Mary Morstan Enters Holmes's Life ... and dies. Part Four: Holmes Himself Dies! This is going to be great! Part Five: Holmes Comes Back. Queen Victoria, Watson, Mycroft, Irene Adler, Billy, Toby, and Mrs. Hudson all die. This one's the real tearjerker of the series. In the last ten minutes, Holmes finally realizes the grim irony that has been the theme of this entire mini-series . . . but he has no one left alive to tell it to. They'll be sobbing all through the ten o'clock news after this one.

But we really need to work on the future of Sherlockiana. Sure, the mini-series will pull in a legion of prime time Sherlockians, but what about the next generation? We have to start working on them now!

Try this out for size. It's four in the afternoon. The kids settle in front of the TV with a bag of chips, turn on the tube, ay and . . . Far away shot: cottage on large Down-like hill. A carriage is rambling up the long, curving road to the cottage. Just before it arrives, a man in deerstalker and Inverness cape steps out of the cottage and yells, "View-halloal" He then gets into the carriage, and as it rattles down the hill toward the viewer, we hear the bouncy theme song and the deep-voiced announcer saying, "It's the Sherlock Holmes Cartoon Hour, with Sherlock Holmes and his old friend Dr. Watson. And now, here's the star of our show, Sher-lock Holmes!"

Now begins the live, in-studio part of the show, as Holmes steps through the door into Watson's Mystery Mansion and shouts "View-halloa, boys and girls!" The little darlings in the studio audience all shout "view-halloa" back, and the show's underway. Holmes exchanges a little light banter with Watson, and we roll into the first cartoon: Wilson and his pal the giant canary, two fun-loving buddies who are constantly being chased by a bird-stuffer named Sherman. It's Canonical. It's cartoony. What more could you ask for to indoctrinate the little ones in Holmes?

We come back from the cartoon just in time for Holmes to play some neat little deductive trick on Watson (sorry, J.W. fans, looks like we'll have to go with a Nigel Bruce buffoon-type Watson for this). The kids will love it. More cartoons: Tonga and Pegleg Small, the Hound and the Road Runner, all kinds of good stuff. A hypodermic needle dart game with big prizes.

Think we're getting carried away? Just wait. In England where Holmes is in the public domain, as copyrights have expired, they've already had TV shows based on Holmes as a boy and the Baker Street Irregulars. Just wait until a similar day comes in America. Until then, keep your fingers crossed . . . and hope one of us touches the Canon before the next column is due.

Be there. View-halloa.

(Printed in Plugs & Dottles, May 1986)