It Gets Worse . . .

As a member of the Sherlockian fifth estate, I often find myself called upon to shine the bright light of truth on particularly dark corners. One such notable case was in the August 1991 issue of this publication, when the truth behind the story “Silver Blaze" finally came forth. It was the sheep who framed the horse for murder, in a conspiracy that baffled even Sherlock Holmes.

Since then, I've had this lingering distrust for farm animals. Sure, they seem domesticated and friendly enough (as long as you feed them on a regular basis), but there are hidden resentments there as well. The Far Side's Gary Larson has been pointing the secret lives of cows out to us for years. But I never really gave the matter further thought until I saw an article called "Attack of the Killer Cows" by Matthew Hoffman (in out of step, April 1992 issue). It seems the cows are working on some subtle plan for destroying the world. They are, apparently, grazing, trampling, and flatulating the world into a barren desert.

Being a Sherlockian and not an ecologist, I pretty much ignored the implications for global warming and eaten-away rain forests, and headed straight for my Canon. What about "The Adventure of the Priory School"? Every piece of evidence early on in the case points to cows being responsible for the kidnapping of young Lord Saltire and the murder of his German teacher. Holmes totally discounts the possibility, though, which is a very un-Holmes-like behavior.

"He was surely not gored by a bull?" Holmes says upon finding blood-stained gorse. "Impossible!"

Why does Holmes consider it impossible, even before he has seen the dead body? We know it was not because Holmes was Hindu -- he eats beef on two separate occasions in the Canon. Was it because cows subconsciously remind him of his brother Mycroft, as bovine in girth as a man can be? Holmes's quick dismissal of the cows bothers me.

True, in the story’s end he does turn up horse shoes that can make a horse’s hooves look like cow hooves, but we've seen a horse framed before, haven't we? It's Sherlock Holmes's blind spot, and I'm surprised that Holmes didn't call the case from his retirement "The Horse’s Mane" instead of "The Lion's Mane. Might as well blame that one on a horse, too, eh?

The cows have been at this for longer than anyone ever thought. Take A Study in Scarlet, Holmes's first recorded case. The whole list of criminal activity in that story stems from one single event -- Jefferson Hope meeting Lucy Ferrier. And why did that event take place? Lucy's horse Poncho bolted, causing Hope to have to rescue Lucy.

Once again, we're blaming the horse. But listen to what Lucy has to say upon being rescued:

"Whoever would have thought that Poncho would have been so scared by a lot of cows?"

There you have it. Cows caused a string of kidnapping, bigamy, and murder that touched two continents.

Maybe I'm reaching here. Maybe cows, sheep, and other farm animals marry the docile, grazing simpletons they seem. But the next time you're driving by a pasture and see a Greuze hanging on a fence post, just ask yourself this: how can a common Holstein afford to decorate using original art?

(This column appeared in the June 1992 issue of Plugs & Dottles.)