Wishing You The Laziest Christmas Ever

A Sherlockian friend and I were recently discussing how lazy we both were. Neither one of us is the most reliable correspondent, and he was taking it a step further by not going out of his way to attend any organized Sherlockian event. Laziness is a perfectly acceptable trait in a Sherlockian; it has to be. How else could we claim loyalty to a man with a statement like "I am the most incurably lazy devil that ever stood in shoe leather" among his life's words?  

During some parts of the year it's harder to be lazier than others. Take the Christmas season, for example. If you're in a demographic that celebrates the holiday, you're expected to fulfill certain duties, decorating, gift-giving, etc., etc. There's a lot of work involved. What's a lazy Sherlockian to do?  

As little as possible, that's what. Holmes would have wanted it that way.  

Let's talk about decorating first. The spouse tells you to set up a nativity scene. Sure, most nativity scenes are made up of little figures that don't weigh much, but you've still got to dig the box out of the attic, or go to the store and buy them. It's much easier to grab the Doubleday Complete Sherlock Holmes off the shelf and toss it on the coffee table. There you are -— instant nativity scene.

The spouse, of course, may protest, and the simple explanations then begin (explanations are something lazy people can do without getting out of their chair).  

When Sherlockians look at a copy of the Holmes Canon, they see many things, you explain. You see the virgin Mary (Morstan, before Watson got to her). You see Joseph (and he's either on the run from Jefferson Hope or the Klan instead of Herod, but he's still a man who needs to get moving). For the angel overhead, you have Moroni or Gabriel (or, in a pinch, Hosmer Angel, though he doesn't have wings like the other two). You've got night shepherds upon the moorlands in The Hound of the Baskervilles and sheep from "Silver Blaze." In "The Priory School" we even find an inn where the landlord tries to turn a couple of people away, only to have them windup in his stable. And three wise men? Holmes, Watson, and Mycroft will easily fill that bill, won't they?  

We are a little hard pressed to find a baby to put in the manger, baby Ferguson from "The Sussex Vampire" being the only thing that comes close. But the rarity of babies in the Canon serves to only better remind us of the true rarity of the baby that was in the manger. Symbolism comes in very handy for us lazy sorts.  

With our nativity scene in place, we can prepare ourselves for those little emergencies, like when a family member asks you to run to the video store and rent "Miracle on 34th Street" or "A Christmas Carol."  

Sure, you can toss them "Blue Carbuncle" from the Granada series. But how to deal with their howls of protest? Ideally, you've spent years indoctrinating the people in your house to think that the Jeremy Brett/Edward Hardwicke Christmas story is just as much a part of the season as the other two. If that's not the case, however, you've got some explaining to do.  

Start telling them about the horrible skinflint head attendant at the Hotel Cosmopolitan. How he wouldn't give the other attendants coal for the attendant- room stove. How he kept a poor plumber away from his family on Christmas, and how the poor plumber had this son who ... well, you know.  

And then, when it looked like the horrible skinflint wasn't about to change his ways, who should appear to him but the  ghost of Christmas prescient and the ghost of Christmas future, both coming to him at the same time and whisking him to a warm, cheery room somewhere in London where he would see and hear things that would change his ways forever.  

If that doesn't work, see if they buy the tale of the jovial bearded fellow with the red-lined hat. Explain how the ever-cynical doctor could not believe that the bearded one could possibly be as his friend described him, and how the magical story of the doctor learning to believe will bring a tear to their eye.

"A Christmas Carbuncle" or "Miracle on Baker Street" can work just as well as any other Christmas favorite. I'm sure "The Great Mouse Detective" can even fill in for "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" if you make a little effort, especially as "Grinch" is aimed at a younger and more gullible audience.  

With these handy suggestions to get you started, you should be well on your way to making this the laziest Christmas ever -— the kind Sherlock Holmes undoubtedly used to have. Before you get too ambitious about it, however, also consider this: The great detective's very best friend didn't stop by until two days after the holiday in "Blue Carbuncle," and he doesn't seem to have brought a present.  

Unless you're willing to give up a gift or two in exhange for two-day-old "compliments of the season," you might still want to put out some small effort.   

(Printed in Plugs & Dottles, January 1996)