"My Collection of Z's Is A Silly One"

It was a bright, chill February morning, and the snow ... impossible in the sixty degree temperature of the day before ... had begun to fall. My muse and companion Euterpe had fallen into a brown study, leaving me to come up with column ideas entirely on my own. In desperation, I made a long arm and reached up for the index that I kept up on the shelf. Unfortunately, my long arm wasn't quite long enough to get to the "H" volume, and I wound up with the "Z."

In what was perhaps my worst column idea ever, I set about telling my readers everything in the Sherlockian Canon that began with the letter "Z."

Signor Zamba -- The invalid fruit importer from New York. Didn't do anything, no one tried to blow him up with dynamite, and no one else sacrificed their future to save him.

Zeal -- Term used to describe Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson, Hall Pycroft, Nathan Garrideb, and Captain Marvin. (Also "zealous", used for Watson, John Straker, and a policeman who failed to appear).

New Zealand -- Land down under that people used to go to to dig for gold. By the 1880's, they were simply buying stock in it and staying in England.

Zenith -- High point of an orbit, such as the point the Priory School reached when the Duke of Holdernesse's son enrolled.

Zeppelin -- Dirigible promoter, who caused German spy Von Bork much optimism about Germany's plans for England.

Zero -- Watson's rating for Holmes's skills at philosophy, astronomy, and politics.

Zero-point -- The place in Holmes's career marked by "Copper Beeches." Accordingly, Baring Gould's The Annotated Sherlock Holmes would then place "Boscombe Valley" at the one-point of Holmes's career, "Stockbroker's Clerk" at the two-point, etc. A Study In Scarlet ranks as the negative eighteen-point.

Zest -- That feeling added to an investigation by poker-bending threats, law-breaking on the side of justice, or historical pamphlets.

Zigzag -- The way you have to move to escape pursuers or cross a mire, also used to describe a multiple of slums (a pride of lions, a bevy of beauties, a zig-zag slums).

Zinc -- What you make buckets and coins out of.

Zion -- Where Mormons always shout they're going. "On, on to Zion!"

Zoo -- The place one stands before the serpents, feeling a creeping, sinking sensation.

Zoology -- Something Bennett and Stapleton took an interest in, apparently having something to do with a dog attacking somebody. Bennett turned to zoology after a dog attack, Stapleton before.

Zu -- Count Grafenstein's middle name. With a name like that, he was just begging the villagers to storm his castle with torches and pitchforks.

Zum -- Something Goethe liked to say, asin "Denn zum wurdigen ..." Goethe's heavy accent obviously didn't stop him from telling "wurdigen" stories.

As you can see, there are no zebras in the tales of Sherlock Holmes. Nor references to the zodiac. No zippers. No zebus. No zithers. No cubic zirconiums. For all the silliness that appears in the index’s "Z" list, it quickly becomes apparent that the really silly "Z" words were never used in recording the cases of Sherlock Holmes.

Did Watson purposefully leave out the really silly adventures of Sherlock Holmes? Did something like "The Adventure of the Rose-shaded Zirconium" fail to make Memoirs just because of Z-prejudice? Should this column be put out of it’s misery here and now?

Probably so.

(Printed in Plugs & Dottles, March 1996)