"The Family Canon"

Next on Norah Creina, Norah’s guests will be the Canons, the world’s most dysfunctional family . . .

Norah: Now let me get this straight, Mr. Canon. Your family is a composite created from all the families encountered by Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson in their adventures. Is that correct?

John Canon: Why, yes, Norah. We were developed from a highly advanced socio-genetic program for creating actual people from bodies of literature.

Norah: I see. And all these people are members of your family?

John Canon: Why, yes, Norah. You see, the Canon of Sherlock Holmes is a wonderfully family-filled set of stories. Let me introduce you around. This, of course, is my wife, Mrs. Canon. She doesn’t have a first name.

Norah: Your first wife?

John Canon: Oh, heavens, no! My first wife ran off with a circus strongman after stealing an important government treaty. My second wife died in an unfortunate accident in the Spugen Pass, and my third wife committed suicide attempting to frame my current wife. But that is why Mrs. Canon and I hit it off so well, we’ve both seen our fair share of marital bliss.

Norah: So you’ve been married several times as well, Mrs. Canon?

Mrs. Canon: Oh, yes, Norah! How do you think I gave my dear husband all these lovely step-children, each with a handsome inheritance to keep the Canon family home in good repair? I’ve had husbands die in war, disease outbreaks, and vendettas from their pasts in other countries. Occasionally they turn up alive and give us a little trouble, but we’re used to that.

Norah: I can see where that would be a bother. How about introducing us to the rest of your family, Mr. Canon?

John Canon: Pleased to. Well, here’s my oldest step-daughter, Violet . . . or at least a pretty good impersonation of Violet. We keep the real Violet locked up at home so she doesn’t try to date. I also impersonate our Violet impersonator’s fiancé, just so no awkward suitors stumble on to the truth. Violet used to have a twin sister, besides an impersonator, but she’s not with us any more.

Mrs. Canon: Yes, I was keeping her in a cottage next door to the Canon ancestral home because I thought Mr. Canon wouldn’t accept her, but she married a seaman, her sister got jealous, and, well . . . we still have her ear. See? That’s why we don’t let Violet date.

Norah: Sounds like quite a handful, your Violet. And who’s this dear little romper?

Mrs. Canon: That’s Victor. Ah, look at him kill those cockroaches! We had to keep him in the outhouse for a while because we thought he had leprosy. He didn’t get lonely, though, as we also kept the hound our family was cursed with out there, too. And this is his older brother James, who had a fling with an older woman from Spain and wrote a novel about it, only he copied the novel from one of the three students in his house at college and had to go to South Africa for a time. He did find diamonds there, though, so it wasn’t a total loss . . . well, until he tried to force our governess to marry him because she was his partner’s daughter. Oh, excuse me, I have to suck poison out of the baby’s neck.

Mr.Canon: A lot of the neighbors think she’s a vampire. They’re always shooting at her with airguns, which is why we have the governess dress up like her and stand in the window.

Norah: Now you’re confusing me.

Mr. Canon: Well, that’s life in the Canon household. Do you want to talk to my sister Beatrice? Let me slip into the dressing room for a moment and she can come right out. She’s been sick, you know, so she wears a veil. Nothing to do with being scarred or only speaking Italian, you know.

Norah: Ooooo-kay.

Mr. Canon: Here, at least, is my other sister, Beryl . . . we’re very close, except when the neighbor guy tries to court her and I have to tie her up. And my wife’s brother, here, is from Greece. We keep him locked up and torture him.

Norah: There seem to be a lot of people locked up in the Canon household.

Mr.Canon: Well, they’re not all locked up. I’ve got a Russian ex-wife and a builder that live in a secret room off the bedroom. They only come out at night, or if we pretend there’s a fire. But you have to understand, some kids . . . well, if you don’t keep them locked up they’re stealing the crown jewels for their shady boyfriends.

Norah: I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today’s show . . .

Mr. Canon: But we haven’t even gotten to my drunken brother, or my uncle, who’s only drunk because the Klan is after him, or my father the ex-con, or that guy that pretends to be me at work, or . . . .

(Printed in Plugs & Dottles, February 1998)