Sherlock Holmes's Presidential Campaign Speech
As you may or may not have heard, our mutual friend Mr. Sherlock Holmes is running for president this year. It's an unlikely event, I'll admit. But in the words of candidate Holmes himself, "life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent.
As with any presidential campaign, Sherlock Holmes's bid for our nation's highest office is fraught with controversies: Is Holmes really an American? What does he have to say about his well-known drug use? Is he just trying to impress Irene Adler by becoming leader of a country, like her past boyfriends? And perhaps the most important question of all: When is Holmes going to make a public appearance?
In any normal campaign, someone like me would get up here, get you all stirred up about how this great guy is running for president, and then announce: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. Sherlock Holmes!
. . . at which point Holmes would run up here and we'd all applaud wildly. We might even start chanting, Sher-lock Holmes! Sher-lock Holmes! It would all be very impressive, and eventually things would die down a bit so Sherlock could give a speech.
But that is the way a normal political candidate would do it.
Sherlock Holmes, of course, being the best and wisest presidential candidate we shall ever know, is doing things a little bit differently.
Duplicating his last great American success back in 1912 thru 1914, Sherlock Holmes has gone undercover. He is, at this very moment, ferretting out the solutions to all those mysteries a president must solve. Instead of annoying you with sound-bites and wearing silly hats at silly festivals, Holmes is devoting his time to unravelling the complex spider web we call the IRS to find the deep organizing power behind it. He is moving among the common folk: the sailors, the grooms, and the public-house patrons of the modern dayto learn what he can about their lives and concerns for the future. And Sherlock Holmes is tracking down those corporate blackmailers who exert too much influence upon our governing bodies -- except for big tobacco, of course. Sherlock Holmes loves big tobacco. Perhaps a bit too much.
In any case, you shall not be hearing Sherlock Holmes speak here today.
You will, however, get to hear a speech from Sherlock Holmes. Instead of the usual candidate speaking the words of some speech-writer, today we're going to do things the other way around: the speech-writer . . . that would be me . . . is going to speak the words of the candidate. Some of these words will be familiar to you; some you may have read once and forgotten, but rest assured:these are the words of Sherlock Holmes and no other.
And so, without further ado, allow me to present the presidential campaign speech of Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
It is always a joy to meet an American. (NOBL)My name is Sherlock Holmes. (SOLI) American, as you perceive. (VALL)
I would offer you a sovereign.(PRIO) I am inclined to run (SOLI). I am in hopes of getting it. That is why I am here. (SECO)
My name is Sherlock Holmes. Possibly it is familiar to you. In any case, my business is that of every other good citizen.(SHOS) That is American also. (3GAR)
London has become a singularly uninteresting city since the death of the late lamented Professor Moriarty. The city is certainly the gainer, and no one the loser, save the poor out-of-work specialist, whose occupation has gone. To the scientific student of the higher criminal world, no capital in Europe offered the advantages which London then possessed. But now -- (NORW)
What about your government and all this treatment? (LAST)Has your business been attended to in your absence?(REDH)
If a herd of buffaloes had passed along, there could not be a greater mess.(STUD) Crime is commonplace. (SIGN) Logic is rare. (COPP) We seem to have fallen upon evil days. (DYIN)
It's a business that needs delicate treatment. (CHAS) There are a thousand details which I should desire to know before I decide upon our course of action. Yet we have not a moment to lose. (SPEC) Clearly we have come to a crisis in this affair.(RETI)
I think that I could be of assistance to you. (BLUE)
One of our greatest statesmen has said that a change of work is the best rest. So it is. (SIGN) Let me have my rest! (DYIN)
Give me problems, give me work . . . (SIGN) Tell me what you desire, but I fear that I cannot make any unconditional promise.(SECO) We can but try -- the motto of the firm. (CREE)
We will open our campaign by having a good close view of him.(CREE) (Points to photo of Clinton.)
I beg that you will look upon it not as a battered billycock but as an intellectual problem.(BLUE) American slang is very expressive sometimes. (NOBL)
Well, his position is unique. He has made it for himself. There has never been anything like it before, nor will be again. (BRUC) Was it politics, then, or was it a woman? That was the question. (STUD) I was inclined from the first to the latter supposition.(STUD) I had heard of him before as being a man of evil reputation among women. (BERY)
The indiscreet Sovereign will receive no punishment for his indiscretion(SECO) Political assassins are only too glad to do their work and to fly. (STUD) There is no object in raking up this scandal against a dead man, foully as he has acted. (CROO) So long as there is nothing criminal I am much more anxious to hush up private scandals than to give them publicity. (MISS) There is no more to be done in the matter.(SCAN)
(Pulls out picture of current presidential hopefuls.)
And here were already several candidates. (CREE) God help us! (BOSC) Now, this gang means business. (3GAB) I can afford to laugh, because I know that I will be even with them in the long run.(STUD) They are all people who are in trouble about something and want a little enlightening. (STUD) Did any of them know their way about in the office?(NAVA)
I have here in front of me these singular productions, at which one might smile, had they not proved themselves to be the forerunners of so terrible a tragedy. (DANC) What sort of cesspool may not our poor world become? (CREE)
He is my hated rival . . . (RETI)just to the left of that Bush . . . (REIG)Have you seen the dummy? (MAZA)
In all seriousness, that if I could beat that man, if I could free society of him, I should feel that my own career had reached its summit.(FINA)
We shall see who will win in the long run. (FIVE)
On meeting a fellow-mortal, learn at a glance to distinguish the history of the man, and the trade or profession to which he belongs. (STUD)
You know what Mycroft is? One has to be discreet when one talks of high matters of state. You are right in thinking that he is under the British gove = ent. You would also be right in a sense if you said that occasionally he is the British government. (BRUC) They began by using him as a short-cut, a convenience; now he has made himself an essential. In that great brain of his everything is pigeon-holed and can be handed out in an instant. (BRUC) There is a further point, however, which is subtler and of greater interest. There is something in common between these hands. They belong to men who are blood-relatives.(REIG) Government employ. Behold the link with Brother Mycroft!(BRUC)
That's paying for brains, you see -- the American business principle. (VALL)
You know my powers.(FINA)
There will be no more murders. (STUD) Let us end the murderer forever. (LION)
I will not impose any further tax. (ABBE) Can we save the money?(RETI) Yes; I have a turn both for observation and for deduction.(STUD)
After all, you have done your best for your country, and I have done my best for mine, and what could be more natural?(LAST) Let us see, in the future, how high you can rise. (3STU) The highest type of man may revert to the animal if he leaves the straight road of destiny. There is danger there -- a very real danger to humanity.(CREE)
I foresaw this situation, and I have brought with me a friend whose discretion may absolutely be trusted.(BLAN) Dr. Watson is my friend and partner.(CHAS)
You may safely trust us.(SECO) You must put yourself under my orders.(SIGN)
Your bets on the race, and therefore your hopes for the future, would hold good.(SHOS)
Thank you. (IDEN)