I Hear of James Nowhere . . .

So the boss says to me the other day, “Turner,” he says, “how would you like to spend a week in an American basement?”

“Running what?” I ask. Drugs. Dollymops. Faro. Protection. It’s all the same to Porlock Turner. Business is business, especially for a world-class company of phantoms like the boss runs.

“A journal,” he tells me. Well, business is business, like I said, and here I am, leaning on some guy with a fancy for Sherlock Holmes and a setup for publishing, seeing that The Moriarty & Moran Report gets out to all the fans of the Great Man. And the boss does have fans. How else can you explain the popularity of those sixty stories by Watson and Doyle? It’s not that Sherlock ponce, that’s for sure. The thing that makes those episodes of “detection” is the plots. And who do you think came up with the plots? Not Sherlock bleedin’ Holmes, that’s for sure! But, for the sake of you newcomers to the Moriartian Canon, let’s review:

A Study in Scarlet: The Professor gives an American assassin a cabman’s job and schools him in finding a man in London. Tips on poison pill making, advice on misleading the police with foreign words, and the Professor actually sending a transvestite to clean up loose ends.

The Sign of the Four: The Professor acquaints a little blonde lady with a pair of assassins and supplies a boat that has fine wire underwater netting just behind the stern.

“A Scandal in Bohemia”: Where do you think a king gets burglars and waylay men? And you know why they call someone “the late Irene Adler.”

“The Red-headed League”: Even them what’s only watched Jeremy Brett know this one.

“A Case of Identity”: Westhouse and Marbank, travellers in wine. Yeah, right.

“The Boscombe Valley Mystery”: The sick old man knew better than to give up the Professor’s hired help when the frame didn’t work.

“The Five Orange Pips”: The Klan, the Scowerers, the Republican party . . . we do all sorts of favors for the Americans, and they do the same for us.

“The Man with the Twisted Lip”: The Bar of Gold, the trap door beneath it, the slippery Hugh Boone . . . if this story had any more of the boss’s interests in it, it would have been called “The Man with the Oscillating Head.”

“The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle”: If you think that screw-up Horner got off scott free just because Holmes let him go, think again. Holmes was right about one thing — the fellow did not go wrong again. Or right. Or anywhere the current of the Thames didn’t take him.

“The Adventure of the Speckled Band”: Exotic killer animals have long been one of the lesser known branches of our business (a guy named Ronder does most of the supplying). If a cheetah won’t kill your victim, a big Rue Morgue monkey or a poison snake will. You didn’t think a clown who thought you cared for snakes by feeding them milk and locking them in a safe could have one in the house for more than a day, did you?

“The Adventure of the Engineer’s Thumb”: Counterfeiters who are never apprehended by the law. Who but Moriarty?

“The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor”: Covering up the drowning of Hatty Doran in the Serpentine for Lord Robert was a fine bit. Marching that American couple into Holmes’s rooms for dinner was the icing on the Professor’s cake in that one.

“The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet”: That exalted mystery man needed 50,000 pounds to pay somebody awfully fast, don’t you think? Who else?

“The Adventure of the Copper Beeches”: Kidnapping is a specialty, no matter how tricky the stepfather is with decoys and hiding the victim.

“Silver Blaze”: The horse did it. Oh, that is rich! Get real, people.

“The Yellow Face”: The Professor can get anyone an English husband with money — even if she’s married with a husband and child.

“The Stock-broker’s Clerk”: People don’t hang themselves because they fear the police. They hang themselves because they know who the Professor’s sending for them. Ditto for “The Resident Patient.”

“The Gloria Scott”: James Armitage, James Moriarty . . . we were all young once.

“The Musgrave Ritual”: A member of the household is missing. So is the treasure. Spot the Moriarty agent in this tale, Waldo fans.

“The Reigate Puzzle”: Old Acton knew the Professor could rid him of bad help and bad neighbors with one fell swoop, and he did!

“The Crooked Man”: A war veteran is scared to death by a cripple, Sherlock Holmes would have you believe. There was never a Henry Wood. Neville St. Clair’s talent for disguise and his budding assassination skills show off the boss’s eye for talent in this one!

“The Greek Interpreter”: Keen-eyed Sherlockians have spotted the similarities between oscillating heads and twitching faces. The full story may never be known.

“The Naval Treaty”: Those papers were missing for quite a while, weren’t they?

“The Final Problem”: Well, the boss “died” in this one, didn’t he? So I guess he wasn’t involved in any of the cases that came after it, right? Yeah, just like he wasn’t involved in all of those I just mentioned. I hear of James Moriarty nowhere since Dr. Watson became his chronicler. And that’s the way he likes it.

—Porlock Turner, Publisher, Editor-in-chief, and the Guy Who’s Not Taking ANY Crap about Typos