Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
When I contemplate all of the bizarre schemes and well-laid plans that have been concocted by perpetrators of cinema in the past decade, none brings me as much horror as the sad business of “The Fantastic Four.” And yet, like the eyes of a motorist unable to pull themselves away from smoking wreckage on the roadside ahead, I found myself unable to turn away from the four’s re-emergence today in “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.”
To watch this movie is, for any thinking adult with the reasoning capacity that goes with that status, like being flicked in the earlobe by the person sitting next to you for an hour and a half. Aside from the over-all misery at seeing talented actors, a classic superhero franchise, and a huge special effects budget wasted on a horrific script, there is one little nonsensical moment after another, all lined up to form a barrage of insults to one’s intelligence. While I do like a refreshingly simple-minded movie now and again, this is something quite different: a movie of imbecilic wrongness.
How wrong you ask? Scientific wizard, Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) builds a flying Fantasticar. When he unveils it, it has a Dodge logo on its hood. Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) asks, “Does it come with a hemi?” Product placement has never been so whorish. Storm’s disgusted pre-“Flame on!” line from the preview, “I just bought this tux!” is replaced by him saying the designer tux’s name in the movie itself in an indistinguishable mumble, making one wonder if that tux-maker, like Dodge, chipped in a few bucks at the last minute. But bad product placement is just the beginning.
An eight-year-old’s version of a bachelor party takes place. A bride’s wrath takes precedence over the imminent destruction of the planet. Jessica Alba’s best scene is when she’s a completely animated special effect. The U.S. Army has a base in Siberia, complete with a torture expert. The Fantastic Four breaks up and gets back together, which is a real shame, because Chris Evans’s Human Torch is what the kids come to see in these movies. Let the other actors go make good movies while Evans continues to pull in the dollars from the kiddies!
My friend, movie inspector Lestrade, has often referred to Mr. Fantastic’s stretching abilities as “gross,” and I have to agree with him. Seeing a human body droop, squish, and ooze like it does in these movies is really not a pleasant experience. The mighty monster called “the Thing” (played by yet another wasted talent, Michael Chiklis) is given almost nothing to do in this movie. And why are we wasting Jessica Alba’s still-vivacious years on pre-pubescent tykes who have little idea of her sex appeal? As I said, let Chris Evans carry the franchise . . . he’s the most entertaining part as it is.
This movie is only for those who must, from fanaticism or youthful innocence.
What Great-grandfather Sherlock would have said:
“Our whole scheme might seem fantastic . . . in that extraordinary household any member of it might be invisible for a week. And yet she may at the present moment be in danger of her life. All I can do is to watch . . .” (To which I add “in horror.”)
Past Investigations
An Introduction to
Mr. Sherlock Holmes IV
Fantastic Four:
Rise of the Silver Surfer