The February Sherlockian

Being a Sherlockian in February is about like being a frog in the Gobi Desert. The New York celebrations of January are over. The most Sherlockian season of the year, autumn, has long passed. Even Holmes himself seemed to have little use for February, as William Ballew pointed out to me not long ago. If you go by Baring-Gould, as Ballew did, Holmes took no recorded cases in that month during the whole of his career.

Does this mean Holmes was taking a vacation every year? In February, of all months? Not the best time for a vacation, unless you're headed some distance south, and I'm sure Watson would have noted Holmes's annual trip to the Mediterranean had he taken one.

Not having much of a February plan for myself, I decided to look into Holmes's Februaries to see what a good Sherlockian should be doing in that month.

FEBRUARY 1881: Holmes has only been living with Watson one month. Watson has no idea what Holmes does for a living; he does, however, notice that a steady flow of some sort of clients are showing up in their sitting room.

FEBRUARY 1886: The matter of the Beryl Coronet comes to Holmes's attention.

FEBRUARY 1887: The master detective throws himself into the exhausting business of the Netherlands-Sumatra Company. He works more than fifteen hours a day, sometimes five days in a row . Doing what, we aren't sure.

FEBRUARY 1888: Holmes spends his days avoiding the newly married Dr. and Mrs. Watson, as they are just far enough past their honeymoon to start thinking about trying to fix him up with a wife.

FEBRUARY 1889: Holmes spends his days avoiding the newly married Dr. and Mrs. Watson, as they are just far enough past their honeymoon to start thinking about trying to fix him up with a wife. Watson's marriage always was a real problem in the chronology.

FEBRUARY 1891: Holmes seriously inconveniences Professor Moriarty. He had already incommoded the Professor in January, and had yet to hamper him in March. In April Holmes just dropped him.

FEBRUARY 1892, 1893: Holmes obviously didn't hate the February snows, as he spends two consecutive winters in Tibet. He probably replaced the deerstalker with a Sherpa hat at some point here.

FEBRUARY 1894: Holmes researches coal-tar derivatives in the south of France. Synthetic perfume was always my guess as to what he was working on, and the month supports that theory (remember valentine's Day?).

FEBRUARY 1895: Holmes survives here though the world explode. Vincent Starrett said so.

FEBRUARY 1897: Holmes and Watson are living at Baker Street, and probably still as busy as they were at the time of ABBE in January.

FEBRUARY 1903: Holmes lies low, avoiding the great, but sometimes mistaken, dermatologist Sir James Saunders, who seems to have just contracted leprosy after shaking hands with Godfrey Emsworth the month before.

FEBRUARY 1904, 1905, 1906, 1907, 1908, 1909, 1910, 1911, 1912: Holmes does whatever it is you do to keep bees warm during the winter. Maybe he takes them to the Mediterranean.

FEBRUARY 1913: Holmes is traipsing around America and Ireland, trying to look Irish and preparing himself to drink large quantities of green beer in one short month.

FEBRUARY 1914: Holmes works for Von Bork as a German spy, living near Portsmouth and fraternizing with the men from the naval base in search of intelligence. Still working on his green beer tolerance, as St. Patrick's Day should loosen a lot of tongues.

So there you have it. want a Sherlockian February? Work fifteen hours a day, avoid your newly married friends or anyone you've caused to contract leprosy, travel to Tibet or France, keep your bees warm, and start working on that tolerance for green beer. Holmes did it. So can you.

(This column appeared in the February 1992 issue of Plugs & Dottles.)