Here Come The Brides

By Brad Keefauver

A few years ago, a new series of Sherlock Holmes novels began coming out, written by Laurie King. King’s novels featured a young American girl named Mary Russell, who took Watson’s place as Holmes’s companion and chronicler after the detective’s retirement. Miss Russell started as Holmes’s neighbor, became his friend, and then took on the role of apprentice detective. Eventually Miss Russell would marry Sherlock Holmes, and as much as Sherlockians like to gripe about pastiches, this turn of events brought a bit more complaining than usual.

Sherlock Holmes was never what you would call a “marrying man,” and the thought of him being dragged to the alter bothers a lot of Sherlockians. But there are still those who would like to see him married. No man is complete without a better half, right? And why shouldn’t Holmes get to be as joy-filled and happy as the rest of us married guys?

But I still have a problem with this Mary Russell character, and I’ll tell you what it is. She’s not one of the home team. Like the un-named newspaper writer in “The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor” writes: “There will soon be a call for protection in the marriage market, for the present free-trade principle appears to tell heavily against our home product. One by one the management of the noble houses of Great Britain is passing into the hands of our fair cousins from across the Atlantic.”

Now, I’m not going to say that Sherlock Holmes shouldn’t be allowed to marry an American. I would suggest, however, that if we’re going to pick out a wife for him, she should at least be someone else who appeared in the cases of Dr. Watson. That’s the home team. Those are the good, honest girls who deserve the first shot at Holmes. So why don’t we give them one?

At “The Game Is Afloat ‘98”, held Halloween weekend in St. Louis, a select group of Sherlockian participants got to play marriage brokers for the great detective, to try to make up for this great Mary Russell mistake. I distributed scorecards and ballots among them, then we ran through a list of likely candidates. I gave a panel of three venerable and experienced marriage experts (Joel Senter, Roy Pilot, and Joe Eckrich) veto power in this proceeding. If they thought I was going on too long about a worthless candidate, or was just being ridiculous, they could blow the whistle and disqualify whomever I was speaking about (and they took advantage of that ability quite often, starting with the very first candidate). I would then move on to the next candidate. When we had gone through all the candidates, the participants were asked to use their ballots and vote for the best choice for the new Mrs. Holmes.

You may notice a few women in this list of candidates who are already married. Well, widows often make better wives than young maidens without any experience, especially when dealing with a serious bachelor like Holmes. The participants were assured that should any married woman be selected in this process, we would make sure she was a widow before she married Holmes.

And now, the candidates, in Canonical order:

Candidate #1. — Mrs. Sawyer from A Study in Scarlet. She’s a wrinkled old crone, but as soon as Holmes meets her, he’s following her home. She has a harsh voice and bleary eyes, but this is a woman who really knows how a man feels about about things. She’s already the only woman Holmes ever gives a wedding ring to, so why don’t we see that he goes the rest of the way with her?

Candidate #2. — Mary Morstan from The Sign of the Four. She’s blonde, dainty, refined, and Holmes calls her, “one of the most charming young ladies I ever met.” He also says, “She might have been useful in such work as we have been doing.” Charming and useful in the detective business? Could we get a better combination for Holmes than this, with business and pleasure rolled into one pleasing package? My theory has always been that Holmes’s disappointment at Watson’s engagement to her was because he really wanted her for himself, and now we can rectify that little matter for him, if we vote for Mary Morstan.

Candidate #3. — Irene Adler from “A Scandal in Bohemia.” So beautiful that she makes Dr. Watson ashamed of himself just looking at her. Been around the track with kings and lawyers, so you know she wouldn’t be surprised by anything Sherlock would come up with on the honeymoon. But should we marry Holmes to someone he already calls “THE woman”? I leave that to your decision.

Candidate #4. — The fourteen-year-old that cooks and cleans for Jabez Wilson in “Red-headed League.” Domestic skills are important, and some say that younger wives are much easier to train.

Candidate #5. — Miss Mary Sutherland from “A Case of Identity.” She’s large, near-sighted, and she can type. She may seem a bit dim-witted for pairing with Holmes, but Watson points out early on how, and I quote, “her body oscillated backward and forward.” Is an oscillating body prized by males other than Professor Moriarty, with his oscillating head? You be the judge.

Candidate #6. — Alice Turner from “Boscombe Valley Mystery.” She’s wealthy, eighteen, has violet eyes, pink cheeks, and is one of the most lovely young women that Watson has ever seen in his life. She’s quick to sass Inspector Lestrade, which is a good qualification for a wife of Holmes, and has “a woman's quick intuition.” Holmes could do a lot worse than this one.

Candidate #7. — Kate Whitney from “Man With The Twisted Lip.” Not only is Kate already friends with Watson’s wife, making those inevitable “couples night outs” much more enjoyable for all involved, she also has experience at being married to a serious drug user. Could there be a more practical choice?

Candidate #8. — Maggie Oakshott from “Blue Carbuncle.” Raises geese for a living and her house is in a neighborhood, where, as her brother says, “every man I met seemed to me to be a policeman or a detective.” Moving from Baker Street to Brixton Road could be very good for Holmes’s business, and if it wasn’t, well, Maggie’s got the geese thing going.

Candidate #9. — Helen Stoner from “Speckled Band.” Thirty years old with prematurely graying hair, Helen is the first woman who can actually claim that Sherlock Holmes spent the night in her bedroom. Holmes, however, is rumored to have spent that night in the company of Dr. Watson and is said to have been “beating the snake.” Holmes’s marriage to Miss Stoner might put an end to those rumors, once and for all.

Candidate #10. - Elise the coiner’s accomplice from “Engineer’s Thumb.” Though described as beautiful, she speaks broken English with a German accent and has “eyes like a frightened horse.” Her main talent in life seems to be helping young men escape out the bedroom window, so I don’t know how heartily I can recommend her as a possible wife for Holmes.

Candidate #11. — Hatty Doran from “Noble Bachelor.” She’s a California girl and a millionaire’s daughter. A quick thinker and fearless besides, she’d make an excellent wife for a man in Holmes’s business, as years in the mining camps taught her how to deal with rough sorts.

Candidate #12. — Mary Holder from “Beryl Coronet.” Her uncle says she’s “sweet, loving, beautiful, a wonderful manager and housekeeper, yet as tender and quiet and gentle as a woman could be.” She falls for the first criminal she meets, of course, and runs off, so perhaps this isn’t the woman for Holmes, who met a lot of criminals.

Candidate #13. — Violet Hunter from “Copper Beeches.” While chestnut-colored hair and freckles may not have had any effect on Sherlock Holmes, her neatness of dress, so much like his own, and her brisk manner, also equally Holmes-like, visibly impressed the detective. He actually starts to think of her as a sister, which is about as close to relating to a woman as Holmes comes in the Canon.

Candidate #14. — Edith Baxter from “Silver Blaze.” This curry-serving maid from King’s Pyland is something of a mystery woman, especially when it comes to her contact with Sherlock Holmes. Holmes says, “I have a question which I should like to put to the maid,” then disappears for a short period of time. Even Watson, who usually accompanied Holmes everywhere, didn’t get to accompany Holmes when he left the room to see her. Did the question Holmes put to her have anything to do with the case, or was she someone Holmes was interested in seeing outside of his investigation?

Candidate #15. — Effie Munro from “Yellow Face.” Everyone always remembers Irene Adler for her besting of Holmes, but what of Effie Munro? Her simple deception and yellow mask gave him a lot more trouble than Irene did. Sure, we know little of her appearance besides the fact that her bosom was big enough to store a large silver locket, but what was appearance to Holmes? She also comes with a daughter, but Holmes had a definite way with children: give them a shilling and send them out on the streets to look for something. He’d do just fine with Effie and her daughter.

Candidate #16. — Miss Trevor from “Gloria Scott.” Even though Victor Trevor’s sister “died of diphtheria while on a visit to Birmingham,” that’s no reason to exclude her from our list of possible brides for Holmes. A youthful, short-lived marriage might be just the thing for him, allowing him the joys of matrimony yet at the same time leaving him free to pursue his career after her death.

Candidate #17. — Rachel Howells from “Musgrave Ritual.” If there’s one thing you can say about this maid from Hurlstone Manor, it’s that she’s literally crazy about smart guys. A good girl with an excitable Welsh temper, Rachel would be as devoted to Holmes as any woman possibly could be. He might have to put away the big butcher knives if he knew he was going to be away long on a case, but as far as the honeymoon goes, psychos are supposed to make great lovers.

Candidate #18. — Annie Morrison from “Reigate Squires.” Another mystery woman, but she seems to be able to deal with multiple men at once -- a trait very handy in handling the Holmes and Watson partnership on an ongoing basis.

Candidate #19. — Miss Morrison from “Crooked Man.” This timid-eyed blonde had some smarts and the same briskness that Holmes seemed to like so much in Violet Hunter. She’s as loyal a friend as Watson, and her physical aspect seems almost like a sister to Mary Morstan (Morstan = Morrison? Could this young lady be Holmes’s way of making up for the woman he lost to Watson?).

Candidate #20. — Sophy Kratides from “Greek Interpreter.” This tall and graceful black-haired beauty would make the perfect pairing for the detective Holmes. He could find who the criminal was on a case, she could track them down and serve justice at the end of a sharp knife, just like she did at the end of “Greek Interpreter.” No need to wonder if the storm got Captain Calhoun in “Five Orange Pips,” just send Mrs. Holmes after him. No need for Holmes to wait for Colonel Moran to expose himself after Moriarty’s death so he could return to London again, just send Sophy in to clean things up. And if she wound up in prison, at least Holmes would know where she was nights.

Candidate #21. — Annie Harrison of “Naval Treaty.” This striking-looking woman was a little too short and thick for Watson’s symmetrical taste, but her beautiful olive complexion, large, dark, Italian eyes, and wealth of deep black hair seemed to make up for that. Her best quality as a bride for Sherlock Holmes would appear to be her skill at nursing sick fiances. Since Holmes was always working himself to the point of collapse, a wife who could help him on the road to recovery would be a terrific benefit. And Annie Harrison could definitely have been that wife.

Candidates #22 & #23. — Edith Woodley and Hilda Adair of “Empty House.” Both these girls are of the best London society, the latter the daughter of the Earl of Maynooth, former governor of one of the Austrailian colonies. I don’t mean to imply that society girls are interchangeable, but I’m sure a marriage to either of these ladies would do no harm to Holmes’s social standing.

Candidate #24. — Mother McFarlane of “Norwood Builder.” So far it seems like we’ve been concentrating on younger ladies for Holmes, but what about a more mature, experienced woman. This little, blue-eyed woman has the distinction of being the only woman Holmes ever called “fluffy” — a sure sign of affection if ever I heard it. She’s a good woman, who won’t stand for loosing cats in aviaries, and is steadfastly loyal to jailed family members. Holmes could certainly do a lot worse.

Candidate #25. — Elsie Patrick Cubitt of “Dancing Men.” Sure, she wasn’t good enough with a pistol to shoot herself effectively in the head. But Elsie’s knowledge of Chicago gangs could be an invaluable resource to Holmes, especially during his “Last Bow” undercover work. As his wife, Elsie could even accompany him back to Chicago and ensure his successful entry into the Irish gangs. A special guy like Holmes might also help her finally get over the horrible death of her husband, the late Hilton.

Candidate #26. — Violet Smith of “Solitary Cyclist.” Tall, graceful, queenly, and beautiful, this wealthy heiress is also musical, athletic, and cares for children. If you were picking out a spouse for your own child, could you pick a better wife than this Violet? She’s our Canonical Consumer Reports best buy for this presentation.

Candidate #27. — Mrs. Hayes of “Priory School.” Kindly and a good baby-sitter, this woman had such a brutal first husband that she’d think Sherlock Holmes, with all his eccentricities, was a real peach. She also knows something about running an inn, in case Holmes really did want to start up an inn called “The Dangling Prussian” in his retirement years. His comment to Von Bork about said inn in “His Last Bow” may have been more than clever banter, and Mrs. Hayes would be perfect at helping him fulfill his dream.

Candidate #28. — Agatha the maid from “Charles Augustus Milverton.” This lusty little man-chaser can claim one thing no other woman in the Canon can: first dibs. Holmes did actually propose to her under the guise of Escott the plumber, and should be made to take full responsibility for his actions. Marriage is often a learning experience, and marrying Holmes to Agatha would certainly teach him a lesson.

Candidate #29. — The Courtly Lady Assassin from “Charles Augustus Milverton.” This regal and stately lady had a delicately curved nose, a strong little chin, and a witness that saw her kill Charles Augustus Milverton. That witness was Sherlock Holmes, and by marrying him they could secure each other’s secrecy about their mutual crimes the night of Milverton’s death. Besides all this, the lady assassin is a classier version of Sophy Kratides, really, a wife who could finish off criminals for Holmes once he had found them out.

Candidate #30. — Anna Coram from “Golden Pince-nez.” While not the prettiest gal on the list, Anna Coram does have one distinct feature you may want to consider: she was the kind of wife a man could shut in the closet when he didn’t need her. Of course, one still has to let her out now and then, lest she jump out at the worst possible time and blurt out your worst secret.

Candidate #31. — Lady Eva Brackenstall from “Abbey Grange.” Golden-haired, blue-eyed, with a graceful figure, Lady Eva had already tolerated a husband with eccentricities that made Holmes look fairly normal. Setting fire to dogs and throwing decanters at the help were at least two things that never happened at 221B Baker Street. She’s good at hiding things from Scotland Yard and knows enough about crime to implicate an active gang of burglars — both these qualities are things Sherlock Holmes would really like in a woman, I’m sure.

Candidate #32. — Lady Hilda Trelawney Hope from “Second Stain.” Any wife of Holmes needs a good head on her shoulders and the youngest daughter of the Duke of Belminster has what Watson calls an “exquisite head.” She can charm a constable into leaving a crime scene, but has the humility to drop to her knees before Sherlock Holmes, hold out her arms, and beg for his mercy. Men . . . has your wife ever dropped to her knees, held out her arms, and begged for anything? I think this lady is an ideal candidate for Mrs. Holmes.

Candidate #33. — Beryl Garcia Stapleton of The Hound of the Baskervilles. Slim, elegant, and tall, this dark-haired, dark-eyed beauty would have surely been Miss Costa Rica if they held beauty pageants in those days. Obviously not too good with children, as a whole school full of them got sick while under her care, she probably has some aptitude at pet care.

Candidate #34. — Ivy Douglas from The Valley of Fear. Tall, dark, and slender, like half the women in the Canon, Ivy Douglas was popular with those who met her, yet did not really seek out social encounters. A charming recluse like Ivy would seem the perfect match for Sherlock Holmes’s social proclivities, and after her husband died at Moriarty’s order, she is sure to have a special fondness for the man who took revenge on the professor for her.

Candidate #35. — Signora Victor Durando from “Wisteria Lodge.” This gray-eyed lady fell into Holmes’s life drugged and emaciated (reminding one of a modern fashion model), but she is one of the Canon’s many undercover agents. A wife with skill at undercover work and a fierce devotion to justice might be just what the detective ordered ... and if anyone could help her deal with skinniness and drug addiction, Holmes definitely could.

Candidate #36. — The Cushing Sisters from “Cardboard Box.” Here we have a nice selection of candidates all in one family; something for everyone, so to speak. Susan, the oldest of the sisters, is a good woman. Mary, the youngest, is an angel. And Sarah, the middle sister, is the devil of the three. The Cushings are the only two-for-one bargain in the Canon -- marrying Mary, Holmes could also get Sarah as an over-affectionate live-in. Sure, it didn’t work out for Jim Browner, but Sherlock Holmes is an exceptional fellow.

Candidate #37. — Emilia Lucca from “Red Circle.” While we’re on the subject of Canonical bargain wives, here’s one you can’t easily pass up. This tall beauty has few demands. Other than food, soap, matches, and the Daily Gazette are all she seems to need for her continued existence. She’s also happier to be at a murder scene than any other woman in the Canon, which could be a big plus for Holmes.

Candidate #38. — Violet Westbury from “Bruce-Partington Plans.” Her name is Violet, which is about the most interesting thing you can say about this girl. Of course, a nice, bland wife might also suit Holmes.

Candidate #39. — Mrs. Hudson from “Dying Detective” and everywhere else. In looking for a woman to put up with Holmes’s quirks, let’s not overlook the woman who had already put up with Holmes’s quirks. Of course, why would Holmes need to marry a woman who was already cooking and cleaning for him without the bonds of matrimony?

Candidate #40. — Lady Frances Carfax from “The Disappearance of Lady Frances Carfax.” Holmes said, “One of the most dangerous classes in the world is the drifting and friendless woman,” and apparently this one was so dangerous she needed to be kept in a box. A marriage to Holmes would keep Lady Frances off the streets and out of trouble. What it would do for Holmes, however, is hard to say.

Candidate #41. — Brenda Tregennis of “Devil’s Foot.” She likes to play cards. She likes to date her cousin. Sure, she’s attractive, but so’s almost every other woman in the Canon. The best thing I think we can say about a match between Brenda and Holmes is that it would help the gene pool of Cornwall tremendously just by keeping her away from her cousin.

Candidate #42. — Martha from “His Last Bow.” She personifies Britannia. She’s good at undercover work. She likes cats. And when we last see her, she’s planning to meet Holmes at a hotel. Personally, I think this lady has a lot going for her.

Candidate #43. — Kitty Winter from “Illustrious Client.” This hellcat is the only woman in the Canon Holmes takes on anything close to a date. Of course, you have to realize that Holmes’s idea of a date is hiding in the bushes waiting to sneak into a house. They get along pretty well, and we know that after her time with Gruner, there’s nothing Holmes could come up with on their honeymoon to surprise Kitty. Blood tests would be a definite must, however, prior to this particular match-up.

Candidate #44. — Violet De Merville from “Illustrious Client.” As Miss De Merville was “a wonder woman in every way,” we have to wonder what the British version of a Wonder Woman costume looked like. And since Holmes was the Victorian Superman, this match-up would have to be a comic book reader’s dream date.

Candidate #45. — Susan Stockdale from “Three Gables.” Sure, this big, awkward chicken of a woman is lousy at sneaking around and listening to people. But Holmes shows some concern for her when he prescribes “paregoric” for her wheeziness. And caring is what a good relationship is all about, isn’t it?

Candidate #46. — Mrs. Ferguson from “Sussex Vampire.” I hate to say it, but I must: this candidate sucks. She can’t handle teenagers, she needs the constant care of a her own personal servant, and she’s very uncommunicative. But maybe I’m missing something . . .

Candidate #47. — Grace Dunbar from “Thor Bridge.” This tall, noble brunette gets color in her cheeks and lights in her eyes when she sees Holmes. She seems to radiate goodness like some saintly visage, so much so that most men seem apt to let her off of a murder charge just by looking at her. Would Saint Grace be the woman to light up Holmes’s life? You be the judge.

Candidate #48. — Alice Morphy from “Creeping Man.” A perfect girl in mind and body, I’m sure this girl would benefit from someone as far opposite her lower primate ex-boyfriend as she could get. And as Sherlock Holmes is perhaps one of the most advanced primates on the planet, she surely couldn’t do any better.

Candidate #49. — Maud Bellamy from “Lion’s Mane.” I could go on for hours about this young lady, and in the past, I have. If Holmes were going to marry anyone from the downs of Sussex, this would be the lady. Holmes himself admits that Maud’s charm cuts right through his usual lack of interest in women. She has a strong character, and is one of the only women ever to offer to help Holmes bring criminals to justice. Holmes called her a most complete and remarkable woman — and almost seems to regret their difference in ages. In my view, Maud is the best candidate on this whole list . . . but then, that’s just me.

Candidate #50. — Eugenia Ronder of “Veiled Lodger.” Okay, “Phantom of the Opera” fans, here’s your candidate. A member of the entertainment industry, scarred by a horrible accident and forced to go into hiding, yet still possessing some charm and beauty, even wearing a mask. All she needs is an Andrew Lloyd Weber soundtrack and she’s the perfect romantic figure.

Candidate #51. — Lady Beatrice Falder of “Shoscombe Old Place.” Here’s a bride that comes with a guarantee — should anything happen to her, her brother will put on a dress and take her place. Another bargain bride if ever there was one.

Candidate #52. — Mrs. Amberley of “Retired Colourman.” Here’s a woman who falls short from the start. She has a marked weakness for illicit affairs with charming doctors, and with Watson so close at hand, she probably would not make a good wife for Holmes. But here she is.

Those were the choices.

Once the list of candidates was complete, the participants were asked to write the name and number of their choice on the post-it note ballot. The judges collected the ballots then tallied the votes. As they did, the participants were filled in on the wedding that would be arranged for Sherlock and his bride in this arranged marriage.

If the votes indicated a bride of some social standing, a quiet ceremony at St. George’s in Hanover Square would be in order. As St. George’s was good enough for Lord Robert St. Simon and his rich American bride, I don’t think any society lady would have qualms about being married there. There’s plenty of space, and always a seat in the front pew for any current husbands of the bride.

If a more considerate bride was to be chosen, I’m sure Holmes would favor a very basic ceremony at the Church of St. Monica in the Edgeware Road. The clergyman there is very strict about details, but happy to perform even a ceremony so small it involves just the couple and one witness. Holmes will probably invite his brother Mycroft, Dr. and Mrs. Watson, and if he’s feeling very social, Mrs. Hudson and G. Lestrade. As for the bride’s family, well, that matter was in the voters’ hands.

The votes were finally tallied, and the results were as follows:

First choice: Violet Smith of “The Solitary Cyclist.”

Second choice: Maud Bellamy of “The Lion’s Mane.”

And trailing a somewhat distant third: Irene Adler from “A Scandal in Bohemia.”

Is this a demonstration of public dissatisfaction with Sherlockiana’s traditional mate for Holmes? Or is it the display of that old double standard: there are girls you run around with, and girls you marry? Plainly, Violet Smith scores a lot higher in the latter category than Irene, who was something of a lady with a past. In any case, the bride of Sherlock experiment confirms one thing. When you start digging into the life and times of Sherlock Holmes, you never know what answers you’ll come up with.